Max Hodge CMC '08 Analyzes Atwater Writings (Guest Post)

BREAKING REPORT: NEW PIECE BY ATWATER!

The new blockbuster by Patrick Atwater has just hit the 5Scene, and this Hollywood Reporter couldn’t be more excited.

Patrick Atwater is known infamously for his raucous off-set womanizing, boozing, and biking mishaps, but he is perhaps the most valuable author in the CMC Forum bullpen.

Mr. Jazz Scatwater first hit the scene Feb 25, 2009 with his piece “The Politics of Outrage.” It grossed a solid 10 comments, with major conversation from such CMC standbys as,

Brad Walters “Your underlying message is strong and reasonable, Patrick. Your specific examples are not.”

Chalie Sprague “I’m going to copy Brad Walter’s comments and not contribute at all [sic]”

Charles Johnson “Here’s a link to my website”

Powerful stuff indeed for the young writer.

Mr. Insert Statwater built on this head of steam by publishing an astonishing 20 articles over the last year for the CMC Forum. Most of these were conversation flops, such as “Randomizing Democracy in Golden State,” and the CMC Forum was worried that they would have to continue to rip most of their stories from Google News and the Claremont Conservative. Then Fatty Snackwater struck it big with 2009’s largest story of the year “Just Dance’ Announced As Scripps Anthem.” Grossing a record 103 comments, “Just Dance” went on to spark controversy all around the 5Scene.

What could have caused such a blockbuster hit? This reporter thinks he knows the answer.

Blitzkrieg Attackwater’s bio says that he loves Michael Bay films—and it shows in your style of production, Mr. Sneaky Catwater.

First you cut your teeth writing for your friends in the Green Pod, where your mildly amusing rants brought cheer to us all. This is just like how Michael Bay ground away in his 20's making advertisements and music videos.

Michael Bay grew a reputation based on over-the-top special effects and lack of cohesive storylines. I think the parallel is obvious for everyone who has read your work. The only question is: will your latest work be a Transformers II: Revenge of the Fallen to match your Transformers I? Or will it simply be a regrettable Pearl Harbor?

Just like Michael Bay has a series of scenes that you just expect from his films—rock songs played in their entirety, car chases, unlimited ammo, characters that go nowhere, explosions, a climax where the heroes outrun an explosion—you too have built up a repertoire that the people expect, nay, demand.

In your new piece, “Why is Pam Gann President?” all the pieces are there, but will it be enough?

The grossly flawed logic? Check.

The broad oversimplifications? Check.

The lofty rhetoric based on exceptionalism? Check.

The possible sexism? Always Double Check.

So does “Why Is Pam Gann President?” have the staying power to match “Just Dance”? It’s got a powerful title that already has critics around the interwebz yelling in all-caps declarations of insanity. Additionally, you have recruited an outstanding cast with star quality drawing power, the well known Pann Gam and yourself the incorrigible Rascally Ratwater.

However, I feel that you’ve listened to too many of your critics, and removed the typical obscure/obtuse Latin words that make your work so genuinely despicable.

And really, that’s what it comes down to, Mr. Robin & Batwater. You are in the despicable business. You’re not successful when you eloquently discuss matters of the Californian Dream or the need for understanding in calm headed debate. No, your cash cow is when you trip over your own feet trying to lead a discussion about a touchy subject that most people joke about amongst close friends and never co-workers. Your work is successful when people are moved to action by the sheer inadequacy of your attempt and the high intentions of it. Your work is successful when the people are given a hard, concrete, and published club with which to beat you over your long-haired head.

“Just Dance” was the type of tent-pole piece that could really bring the whole family together to join up and hate on Atwater. Ultimately, I don’t think “Why Is Pam Gann” has the demographics needed to break the ever-sought 50 comments barrier.

Personally I love your style, and I think this article has what it takes to gross 30 comments, but I think you missed out on some key demographics. You could have brought the Scrippsie camp in by claiming CMC needs a president more like the recent Scripps interim president Frederick “Fritz” Weis. This would have sparked even more conversation because of his CMC alumni status, and the fact that so many Scrippsies loved him and his bow tied ways. You probably could have brought the Pitzer crowd into the comments section by saying “At least Pam Gann is doing a better job than Laura Skandera Trombley. The only difference between Pitzer and Wal-Mart is that at least when you spend 40k at Wal-Mart you get something of value.” And to bring the Pomona crowd I’m certain that you would just have to mention something about a minstrel show and you’d be golden. As far as Mudders go, they are above all our petty squabbles, so I don’t think they’d contribute a comment to save a life.

Early exit polling indicates that the general populace hates you with just as much malice as before, and that your loveable rogue image is still intact. With that in mind I’m not going to say this story doesn’t have high grossing potential. Best of luck to you, Scantly Cladwater: you’re one in a million, and I hope you recuperate in a timely fashion.

Chuck DeVore CMC '85 on Glenn Beck Talking the Constitution

Watch the whole thing. It is only seven minutes long.

Abe Shimm CMC '10 in Washington Post

My friend, Claremont Buzz from the Claremont Insider, alerted me to this story about how working for a campaign isn't a bed of roses. The Washington Post article mentions Abe Shimm, a 22 year-old CMCer, who took off some time from school to work on the Obama campaign. Here are the relevant sections of the article.

The members of "the movement," in their loose confederation online, are still paying attention, says Abe Shimm, 22, a Claremont-McKenna College senior who took two summers and a semester off to organize for Obama in Iowa and Indiana. "When there is an actual campaign presence, to be told by an organizer, 'If you knock on these doors, you'll get these votes' offers you a tangible result. . . . It's far more difficult to express what a phone call is going to accomplish" if made to a member of Congress wobbly on the health-care overhaul plan.

Canvassing for the plan now in California, between classes, delivers none of the exhilaration and exhaustion Shimm felt on election night. Months of 20-hour days ended with him in Bloomington, pleading with college students to stay in line despite two-hour waits at the polls. The payoff came when Obama became the first Democratic presidential candidate to win Indiana since Lyndon Johnson. In May, Shimm will be one semester away from a degree, but he's going to take off the fall to work on the midterm elections.

"To be an activist is a lifestyle," says Jenn Watts. She was Shimm's boss. An Irish Catholic girl of 22 with a Fordham education in philosophy and urban and African American studies, she started as a fundraiser in the District, then went into the field in Iowa and followed the primary trail -- Minnesota, Texas, Wisconsin. She helped organize the national convention in Denver and went home to Indiana for the finale.

Then she crashed. "I was malnourished. I was delusional. I hadn't slept," she says. She moved to Washington and began competing with fellow staffers for White House jobs. "I saw some people who turned into different people. I felt naive about it. We were all one big progressive happy family, I thought, and now it was, oh, this was about you and your career?"

I'd like to say, "good luck with the 2010 elections, Abe," but I was raised not to say things I don't believe.