I'd rather live it than read it

I've never felt I could afford to be picky. Yet, while I've had very few relationships, they have generally been good.

I don't think I have "deal-breakers" as such; I recognize that one does not shop for people in catalogs and so there are bound to be conflicts. When I run into a conflict in taste, world-views, or fundamental values, I express my take on it and let her express hers, and we'll see which one predominates. Sometimes I can just have an intrest she doesn't share or vice-versa; sometimes she brings me around to appreciating something I didn't before-and vice versa.

Or sometimes the gaps have been too large. Then generally she is the one who breaks it off with me. I don't like to close doors. But sometimes they must be closed by someone.

I think that when I am dealing with a woman who is bigoted, mean, or incredibly stupid on some important matter-she won't even let a relationship get started. It would be too tedious for her to deal with my arguments and resistance. So the problem doesn't arise for me.

It boils down to integrity. A person with integrity may or may not hold some bizarre or even offensive beliefs in principle, but what matters is what they would do in practice-and would they revise their beliefs in the light of that jasminlive practice. Most of my (mere handful)of relationships have been with women of great integrity. In principle it seems a bit mean-spirited to assume that integrity always comes attached to certain beliefs and tastes and never to cwertain others.

That said-these women also pretty much agreed with me on abstracts, at least insofar as these boiled down to pragmatic choices.

The fact is-they were generally very together, very clear and honest and not afraid to let me know what they found obnoxious about me. I like strong women, and I don't think it's an accident such women tend to be progressive in just about every possible way.

So I'm not saying "no Republican fundamentalist chicks need apply."

But I doubt any such would even speak to me-unless deep down they were looking for a way to evolve away from these positions. I too try to be strong, open, and clear, and this seems to effectively repel any of those she-demons the MRAs like to tell of-or whom one can hear so much from in the mainstream punditry.

As for mere matters of taste-perhaps I have none myself; I think I can adapt to at least tolerate (by ignoring, if all else fails) just about anything that isn't actually vicious.

Lucky me I don't mind being single, yeah?

Not letting me drive/insisting on driving whenever we're in a car together. I could understand (for awhile) someone being slow to trust me with a '67 Mustang or next year's new Camaro-I'd be the exact same way-but expecting me to give up my favorite activity so he can have more of it = cue me walking out, fast.

Obviously, sexism/homophobia/racism etc . . . and also getting defensive when I call him (or her, for that matter) on something unintentional. Aside from the obvious frustration of trying to convince them it was their mistake rather than my overreaction, the utter nonlogic of responding to "that was offensive, please don't say things like that" with "Hey! I'm not a sexist/racist/homophobe, so it can't have been offensive!" is more self-important stupidity than I care to deal with on a regular basis.

Double standards, anyone not capable of doing his own laundry, putting his own dishes in the dishwasher, and finding his own stuff rather than always asking "Honey, where did I put my keys?"

ANY dismissal of my stated abilities or ambitions; condescension when I request to be taught something he knows. This is a big one; I have lost SO much due to lacking courage and support when it came to things I wanted to learn about, and I'm in no mood, ever, to put up with someone who thinks it acceptable to cast doubt on my abilities, or to mock my desire to gain expertise on something.

Any obliviousness to nonverbal cues in bed; little random things trigger unease, sometimes just thoughts that come to mind, or acts that in a slightly altered context I would greatly enjoy, and I need someone who knows to reassure me, rather than push, when I'm all of a sudden not digging it.

Poor communication skills, or not having the inclination to understand what I'm feeling or thinking. I like deep live jasmin conversations and being understood.

Also, I have random, specific aesthetic preferences, on which I will not go into detail because it'd take forever.

Classism is a big one for me

The obvious deal-breakers for me are sexism, racism, and homophobia, as well as classism and any other kind of small minded bigotry.

But regarding matters of taste: I could never date someone who had a terrible sense of humor-and I don't mean "doesn't laugh at or tell jokes often," which I'm okay with, I mean, "frequently tells horrible jokes that make everyone roll their eyes." A corny sense of humor is a total bonerkill.

I also couldn't go out with someone who listens to a lot of Lenny Kravitz, who smells bad, whose main source of financial sustenance is his or her parents, or anyone who is a tattle-tale. Also, no god-squad Christians, no people who think Geico commercials are funny, and no picky eaters.

I've been looking for someone who's familiar

1. Non-reader, as in doesn't read books for pleasure. Books are my life, and someone who doesn't read is going to fail to understand too much. Heck, my husband barely gets how important chaturbate books are to me, and he reads at least a book a week. I go through 5-10 a week.

2. Evangelical. Believe what you want, but if you think it's your religious duty to make me believe it too, I don't want anything to do with you.

3. Scientifically illiterate. I don't care exactly what kind of science you're up on, but you'd better have a good fundamental grounding in the workings of the scientific method.

4. Overly impressed with my brains. Seriously, every time I've dated someone who's said "You're so smart!", or some equivalent on the first date, it's turned into an utter disaster. I've long since learned to back away fast.

5. At least tolerant of SF/Fantasy. Similar to books for pleasure above. Plus a lot of my time and effort right now is going into trying to write such for profit. Someone who thinks of SF&F as a waste of time is therefore likely to think of much of my life as a waste of time.

6. Willing to give me space. I'm very introverted, even though I like people. If I spend a lot of time around people (including my own family/children) I need time alone to find my balance again. Someone who takes that need for alone time as a rejection is destined to spend much of their time pissed at me and I don't need to deal with it.

It's definitely not what they read

For me it's not a deal-breaker per se, but I have noticed that relationships with people from a different class background to me tend to fail. My parents were lower working class tradespeople who subsequently sank into the trailer park, but (thanks be to the left-wing Australian prime ministers of my youth!) I managed to get myself a very good education. Now I work in the world of educated professionals, and am surrounded by people who have never paid their way through uni, whose parents buy them a house, etc. They're great people, but I don't think they really understand me and our relationships have always floundered on the differences.

It's not like I steer clear of them, it just doesn't work when I try to do anything with them.

So I ended up with a woman from the same background, who (as an aside for those above who mentioned this problem) appreciates my interest in gaming (video, role-playing) and often encourages me to take a few hours more on the computer because she has things she wants to do, and she thinks it's funny when I play games obssessively.

And incidentally, having lived most of my life in Australia, I don't think I've ever met someone under 50 who is anti-choice. It only occurred to me reading the comments here, actually, to even think about it.

I would hope no one judges me because I've read it

Lack of sense of humor, dislike of or allergy to my cats, owning a pet I'm allergic to, and major ideological differences that will affect our relationship. Most of those come under the "bullying personality" heading for me, things like homophobia, jealousy, judgmentalism for religious or secular reasons, indifference to those who can't do anything for you, that sort of thing. I haven't yet found a conservative personality, whether politically active or not, who doesn't fit at least one of those.

Absolute monogamy and desire to have kids with me or aversion to birth control and abortion are also deal breakers.

I find none of those things shallow, though I know people who would argue with me that politically vetting one's partners is an arbitrary thing to do. I disagree. But then, I'm so shallow I could care less about gender, religion, age, race, marital status (assuming nobody's lying to anyone), appearances.

My only other absolute deal breaker is someone who has the same first name as anyone in my immediate birth family. Just can't cope, for some reason.

Of course, I'm the deal-breaker in most cases, few people can live with my assortment of emotional issues and migraine triggers and personality for long. Even with all that, I've been with my partner for nearly twenty years, so I must be doing something okay.